Dr Pepper

SCENARIO: You’ve reached that point in your relationship where she wants to take it to the next level. There’s no way out, you have to meet her parents (aka, the two people who have dedicated their lives to making sure she lives a deadbeat-free life.) Mom and Dad, needless to say, aren’t real keen on meeting the dude shtooping their daughter.

HOW IT REALLY GOES DOWN: You’re greeted at the door. Her old man, a Marine drill sergeant, doesn’t even bother hiding his disdain for you. He hates you more than lawn divots and kids who wear their pants below their ass. You enter the house, where you track in dog shit, get busted staring at her mom’s boobs, and hopelessly shrug as your girlfriend blurts out that you’re “between jobs right now.” You spend the rest of the evening trying to figure out where her dad’s hiding his gun and how long before he reaches for it.

SMOOTH MOVE: Confidence and preparation are key. You’ve already learned that her military dad is an avid golfer. You greet him with a firm handshake and an autographed Tiger Woods golf ball with the inscription “Semper Fi!” on it. For her mom, unleash assorted flowers, a polite hug, and a quick complement: “I can see where your daughter gets her great looks.” (Yes, even if she looks like Steve Buscemi). Every response you give should have the words “sir” or “ma’am” behind it because, well, parents each that shit up. For lulls in conversations, spout out these ultra-safe conversation starters: “I just got The Eagles box set. Good stuff.”; “I hear Tom Hanks has a new movie coming out.”; and finally, “What a lovely house. How long have you lived here?” Now, sit back, relax and they’ll be calling you “son” before the evening’s over.